Jokes Saturday thru Thursday

[tallguy]

I once served a fairly long prison sentence.

My cell mate was a guy with leprosy.

One day one of his ears fell off, so he picked it up and tossed it out the window.

A couple weeks later, one of his fingers fell off.  He tossed it out the window.

A month later, his toe fell off.  Out the window.

Not long after that, he did something that pissed me off.  So I called the guard over.

"What is it?" asked the guard.

I answered, "I don't want to be a snitch or anything, but I think my cell mate is escaping, little by little."

[tallguy]

Today (February 15) I had a medical appointment.

The place was crowded with people.

I remarked:  "Must be all those folks who had their hearts broken yesterday."

[tallguy]

Husband:   "Did you know that 99% of women are in the habit of answering a question with another question?"

Wife:   "Why do they do that?"

[floydjer]

Do I have to do everything around here??...Why are moon rocks tastier that earth rocks??..Because they are a little meteor...(you're welcome ) JB

[tallguy]

As newlyweds, my wife and I were practicing "safe sex", not yet ready to become parents.

One night, we ran out of condoms.  She suggested that instead of sex that night, we should just share a
nice steak and watch a movie on TV.  I consented, saying "Okay.  I'll cook the steak, okay?"

In order to help keep the oven clean, I wanted to line it with some aluminum foil . . . but couldn't find
it.  I asked, "Where's the aluminum foil?"

She answered, "We're out of that also.  But instead of rushing to the store tonight to buy some,
why don't you just borrow some from our neighbor?"

. . . So I went and knocked on the neighbor's door.  When she answered, I said:  "My wife and I ran
out of condoms.  Can I borrow some aluminum foil?"

[tallguy]

I think I need a chiropractor.  I got in a shouting match with a hypnotist,
and he told me to go f**k myself.

[floydjer]

I think I need a chiropractor.  I got in a shouting match with a hypnotist,
and he told me to go f**k myself.

I'll be darned...An inked up side show freak loser with a similar  wife that out weighs me...? Said the same thing.

[tallguy]

Here's a (really old) tongue-twister you should try in front of others, to maximize the fun -- but
don't READ IT to the other people.  That makes it too easy.

"Me smart fella; me fella smart."

[tallguy]

Another tongue-twister:

I slit a sheet; a sheet I slit.  Upon the slitted sheet I sit.

[tallguy]

I watched a TV show that had me transfixed.  (Not sure what that means to people these days.)

[tallguy]

A man at home was visited by a couple of uniformed police officers --


     Police officer:  Do you have a recent photo of your wife?

     Man:  Yes sir...  (shows them a photo)

     Police officer:  I'm sorry, but it looks like your wife has been hit by a truck.

     Man:  Yeah, but she's a good conversationalist and an excellent cook. 

[Lilhigbee]

A little girl walks into the pet store and tells the owner "I'd like to buy a widdle bunny wabbit."
The owner, thinking she's pretty cute asks, "Would you like a widdle white bunny wabbit or maybe a widdle gway bunny wabbit or maybe a widdle bwown bunny wabbit?"
The little girls says, "I don't think my python gives a thit!!"

[tallguy]

I got married one morning.

That night, I took off my shoes and socks.

My bride asked, "Why do your toes look so strange?"

I answered, "I had tolio when I was a kid."

"You mean polio?", she asked.

"No", I replied.  "My mommy said it was tolio."

Then I took off my pants.

"Why do your knees look so strange?" she asked.

"I also had kneesles."

"You mean measles?"

"No.  My mommy said it was kneesles."

Then I took off my undies.

My bride started to laugh.

"What is it now?" I asked.

"I guess she also told you you had smallcox."