Stupid joke FRIDAY

[manta22]

Happy New Year's Eve.

Tom G.

add milk of magnesia and you have a Phillips screwdriver

[floydjer]

750 ml of OJ and 250 ml of vodka for a metric one.... :clap

[WOODY@DDLLC]

And if Phillips were alive today I would personally Torx his neck! 

[WOODY@DDLLC]

Some 2021 inspirations:

1. When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.
2. To me, "drink responsibly" means don't spill it.
3. Age 70 might be the new 40, but 9:00 pm is the new midnight.
4. It's the start of a brand new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles.
5. The older I get, the earlier it gets late.
6. When I say, "The other day," I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.
7. I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.
8. I had my patience tested. I'm negative.
9. Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any of your containers.
10.  If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you,  just stare straight ahead and say, "Did you bring the money?"
11. When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say "nothing," it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.
12. I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.
13. I run like the winded.
14. I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don't know whose side I'm on.
15. When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, "Why, what did you hear?"
16. When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?
17. I don't mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.
18. When I ask for directions, please don't use words like "east."
19. Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That'll freak you right out.
20.  Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.
21. My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.

[WOODY@DDLLC]

Jokes via email are making a comeback:

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.
Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more.
For the second time she attempted the step, and once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. 
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!'
The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."

[floydjer]

And if Phillips were alive today I would personally Torx his neck! 

You will have to spline that one to me Woody.....

[Stainless1]

Two screwdrivers go into a bar....

They both get drunk   

Happy new year....

[WOODY@DDLLC]

And if Phillips were alive today I would personally Torx his neck! 

You will have to spline that one to me Woody.....

It would be too convoluted Jer!  :-P

[floydjer]

....I didn't see that twist coming....

[Stainless1]

....I didn't see that twist coming....

Was it because you've gained weight?  Maybe you need to step on your Chubby Checker and find out   

[floydjer]

Robert.....I am starting to think you misunderstood when the plumber told you to be sure the joints had plenty of dope ......

[floydjer]

Why did the mortician cross the road???...To get to the other suicide....

[floydjer]

Which reminds me of the necrophiliac mortician...He loved coming into work.....

[floydjer]

I might take a lessons to become a locksmith....That would open some doors.

[WOODY@DDLLC]

Sounds like a turn key class to me, Jer!