Stupid joke FRIDAY

[Stainless1]

I was going to try to do one of those West Yorkshire, England jokes but I could find any Leeds.

[floydjer]

Two 99 year olds are out for their weekly round of golf..Afterward they stop at Hooters for a beer. One old geezer asks the other which one of the waitresses he would like to be stuck in an elevator with. The other old fossil says.."The one can fix an elevator....I'm old, tired and pee alot"

[WOODY@DDLLC]

It's a five minute walk from my house to the pub  It's a 35 minute walk from the pub to my house. The difference is staggering.

People who wonder whether the glass is half empty or half full are missing the point. The glass is refillable.

They say every piece of chocolate eaten shortens your life by two minutes. I've done the math. Seems I died in 1537.

I don't always go the extra mile, but when I do it's because I've missed my exit.

1. I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People get out of the way much faster now.

2. Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.

3. I didn?t make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row.

4. I decided to stop calling the bathroom the ?John? and renamed it the ?Jim?. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.

5. Old age is coming at a really bad time.

6. When I was a child I thought ?Nap Time? was a punishment. Now, as a grownup, it feels like a small vacation.

7. The biggest lie I tell myself is ?I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."

8. I don?t have gray hair; I have "wisdom highlights"! I?m just very wise.

9. If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would?ve put them on my knees

10.  Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven?t met yet.

11. Why do I have to press one for English when you?re just going to transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?

12. Of course I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advice.

13. At my age ?Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.

14. Actually I'm not complaining because I am a Senager. (Senior teenager) I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 75 years later. I don?t have to go to school or work. I get an allowance every month. I have my own pad. I don?t have a curfew. I have a driver?s license and my own car. The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant. And I don?t have acne. Life is great.

15.  I have more friends I should send this to, but right now I can?t remember their names. Now, I?m wondering: did I send this to you, or did you send it to me?

[floydjer]

Woody....Do you ever forget the abbreviation for Maine or is it just Me.?

[floydjer]

No need to buy shoes for your pet bear...He will still have bear feet....

[floydjer]

....Know which animal has more lives than a cat??..The frog..they croak every night.

[Stainless1]

Hey Jerry, true story
I went into an industrial area while working at Boeing... the supervisor stopped me, looked at my tennis shoes and said steel toed shoes were required in the area...
My reply... they are.... 5 in each one  :naughty

[Stainless1]

Jerry, looking at a couple of your replies on other threads this week leads me to believe you don't know the difference between meat and fish...


Ya don't beat your fish 

[floydjer]

Hey Robert...I changed the pulley..excuse me...sheave..on my drill press and needed a longer belt...off to AutoZone ...tell the kid behind the counter that I need a belt in this width only one inch longer. He started the " make,year,model,engine speech and I told him it is a 1939 Atlas model 27 drill press...He says "How long do you need it"? and I told him " For a long time..It's going in my drill press" :clap  :clap :clap

[floydjer]

And I hope you are fin-ished  with picking on me....

[Stainless1]

And I hope you are fin-ished  with picking on me....

Well you do seem to be a coaster today.... Charlie Brown

[Speed Limit 1000]

Jerry, looking at a couple of your replies on other threads this week leads me to believe you don't know the difference between meat and fish...


Ya don't beat your fish 

If you beat your fish, it will die aktion086

[WOODY@DDLLC]

Does that mean it won't turn into a holy mackerel? 

[floydjer]

***Patti's  first contribution***   Why are there snowmen, but no snow women?? Because only a man is stupid enough to stand in the snow without a coat on.

[WOODY@DDLLC]

I accidentally clicked on the first page of this thread - what a joke!