Stupid joke FRIDAY

[floydjer]

When we were young, My sisters "smoked" so many candy cigarettes, I got second hand diabetes.

[Seldom Seen Slim]

> An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her
> car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her
> situation to the dispatcher: 'They've stolen the stereo, the steering
> wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!' she cried. The
> dispatcher said, 'Stay calm. An officer is on the way.' A few minutes
> later, the officer radios in 'Disregard.' He says.
> 'She got in the back-seat by mistake.'
>

[Seldom Seen Slim]

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, 'Windy, isn't it?' 'No,' the second man replied, 'it's Thursday.' And the third man chimed in, 'So am I. Let's have a beer.'

[DallasV]

Thought for the day:
Some people are a lot like slinkies, Not really good for anything but they bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs.

[bbarn]

Thought for the day:
Some people are a lot like slinkies, Not really good for anything but they bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs.

That's one of my favorites! I have it on my office wall along with "Never underestimate the power of a large group of stupid people" and "Nothing is foolproof to the sufficiently talented fool"

[landsendlynda]

Thought for the day:
Some people are a lot like slinkies, Not really good for anything but they bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs.

They must have met super Kaz!!   

Oops, sorry Jon   

Lynda

[k.h.]

This morning, I went down to have my dog apply for welfare. 
At first the lady said, "Dogs are not eligible to draw welfare". 
So, I explained to her that my dog is unemployed, lazy,
can't speak English, and has no clue who her father is. 
So, she looked in her policy book to see what it takes to qualify.
My dog gets her first check this coming Friday. 
Damn, this is a great country.

[floydjer]

> An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her
> car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her
> situation to the dispatcher: 'They've stolen the stereo, the steering
> wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!' she cried. The
> dispatcher said, 'Stay calm. An officer is on the way.' A few minutes
> later, the officer radios in 'Disregard.' He says.
> 'She got in the back-seat by mistake.'
>

I happen to "Know a guy" that did that, "Back in his drinking days".....Sat there acting like he was looking for something so people wouldn`t think he was stupid.....or real drunk.

[floydjer]

Stopped by a Blonde friend `s house to see how her bathroom paint job was progressing. She was standing there wearing a ski parka and a 3/4 length leather jacket. I asked about her attire and she said "The can says for best coverage,apply two coats"

[Seldom Seen Slim]

Getting to the bottom of the barrel, Jerry.

[HotRodV8]

> An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her
> car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her
> situation to the dispatcher: 'They've stolen the stereo, the steering
> wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!' she cried. The
> dispatcher said, 'Stay calm. An officer is on the way.' A few minutes
> later, the officer radios in 'Disregard.' He says.
> 'She got in the back-seat by mistake.'
>

SSS - -

I have Floridian neighbors like this.

The report did not go on to say she mention that "after they took all that stuff, they installed a beautiful padded dashboard."

S-J-F 

[floydjer]

Getting to the bottom of the barrel, Jerry.

But......I`m staying "on topic"

[4-barrel Mike]

From my crazy uncle in Red Bluff:

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention.

The driver screamed; lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab.  Then, the still shaking driver said,  'Are you OK?
I'm so sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me.'

The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle the driver so badly.

The driver replied, 'No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my fault.  Today is my very first day driving a cab I've been driving a hearse for the past 25 years.'

[4-barrel Mike]

The Pope and Tiger Woods die on the same day and because of an administrative mix up the Pope went to Hell and Tiger Woods went to Heaven. The Pope explains the situation to the administrative clerk in Hell, and after checking the paperwork admits that there is an error. "However", the clerk explains, "it would be 24 hours before it can be rectified".

Next day the Pope is called and Hell's staff bids him farewell.
On the way up, the Pope meets Tiger Woods coming down from Heaven and they stop to have a chat. "Sorry about the mix up", apologizes the Pope. "No problem" replied Tiger Woods.
Pope: "I am really anxious to get to Heaven"
Tiger: "Why is that?"
Pope: "All my life I have wanted to meet the Virgin Mary"
Tiger: "You're a day late."

[Gwillard]

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?" "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!