Stupid joke FRIDAY

[bbarn]

Lost on a rainy night, a nun stumbles across a monastery and requests shelter there. Fortunately, she's just in time for dinner and was treated to the best fish and chips she had ever tasted.

After dinner, she went into the kitchen to thank the chefs. She was met by two of the Brothers. The first one says, "Hello, I am brother Michael, and this is Brother Charles." "I'm very pleased to meet you," replies the nun.

"I just wanted to thank you for a wonderful dinner. The fish and chips were the best I've ever had. Out of curiosity, who cooked what?"

Brother Charles replied, "Well, I'm the fish friar." She turned to the other Brother and says "then you must be....?"

"Yes, I'm the chip monk."

[k.h.]

A Russian and an American are sentenced to Hell. The Devil summons them and says: "Guys, you have 2 options: an American or Russian hell. In the American one you can do what you want, but you'll have to eat a bucket of Subaru every morning. The Russian one is the same, but it's 2 buckets." The Yankee quickly makes up his mind and goes to American Hell, while the Russian eventually chooses the Russian one. In a week or so they meet. The Russian asks: "So, what's it like out there?"/ "Exactly what the devil said, the Hell itself is OK, but eating a bucket of Subaru is killing me. And you?" / "Ah, it feels just like home - either the Subaru doesn't get delivered or there aren't enough buckets for everyone!"
___________________

A health care bureaucrat visits a mental hospital and gives a lecture about how great Obama Care is. Everybody claps loudly except for one person who keeps quiet. The lecturer asks: "why aren't you clapping?" and the person replies "I'm not crazy, I work here."

[geh458]

There I sat all broken hearted, had run 8 blocks, and only farted.

Then one day, I took a chance, did not run, and s%&t in my pants.

[4-barrel Mike]

NOT! from my crazy uncle in Red Bluff:

Lawrence, Kansas, December 12, 2008

A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialled the subscriber's house.

The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1 . The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.

2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.

3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signalling current when the number was called.

4.. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.

5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by
pissing and moaning.

Thought you'd like to know.

Mike

[floydjer]

What would you name a baby girl with a birth mark that looks like a sinking ship ?  Mandy Lifeboats

[bbarn]

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's Round Table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated in an algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, "You stay here, I'll go on a head."

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said, "Keep off the Grass."

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, "No change yet."

17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

20. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

21 A backward poet writes inverse.

22. In a democracy, it's your vote that counts. In feudalism, it's your count that votes.

23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

24. Don't join dangerous cults, practice safe sects!

[geh458]

From the Junior High School bathroom reading list:

1.  Yellow River by I.P. Freely
2.  Under the Grandstands by Seymore Butts
3.  1000 Miles to the Outhouse by Willy Makit, edited by Betty Wont, illistrated by Shirly Hopeso

[Seldom Seen Slim]

#4:  Rustle in the Bushes  by Noey Didn't.

[relaxedphit]

Also one day late. Graffite (?) on porta-john wall. "Can you toast toilet paper? No, but I can brown it on one side."

[Fheckro]

What time is it if 5 elephants are chasing you?   
< 5 after 1 >

[k.h.]

Q:  WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN'S NIPPLES   FOR?
A:  It's Braille for 'suck here'.

Q:  WHAT  IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?
A:  It's the same as a French kiss, but 'down under.'

Q:  WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?
A:  Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

Q:  WHY WERE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER  WOMEN?
A:  Because when they come, they're wild and wet.  But  when they go, they
Take your house and car with  them.

Q:  WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE  MORNING  ?
A:  Because they don't have any balls to  scratch...


BONUS  QUESTIONS & ANSWERS

Q: What is a man's Ultimate embarrassment?

    A:  Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose.



Nominated  as the world's best short joke

A  3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a  bath.


'Mom', he asked, 'Are these my brains?'


'Not yet,' she replied.

[floydjer]

What did one sagging boob say to the other sagging boob?  If we don`t get some support, People  will think we`re nuts 

[Seldom Seen Slim]

Jerry, they're getting lower (the jokes you post, that is) by the day.

[floydjer]

Jerry, they're getting lower (the jokes you post, that is) by the day.

Just trying to stay on topic, Jon :cheers:J.B

[4-barrel Mike]

Another from my crazy uncle in Red Bluff:

AIN'T LOVE GRAND

An elderly gent was invited to an old friend's home for dinner one evening.

He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.

While the wife was in the kitchen , the man leaned over to his host, 'I  think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names.'

The old man hung his head. 'I have to tell you the truth,' he said, 'Her name slipped my mind about 10 ears ago and I'm scared to death to ask the cranky old bitch what her name is.'