Stupid joke FRIDAY

[floydjer]

Chris told me you guys tried it once, But the jokes were funny...................

[floydjer]

What do storm clouds wear under their clothes?.....Thunderwear

[floydjer]

Some nut named Hazel robbed a bank...She shouted " Give me all the cashew have.........................."

[USFRAMONTE]

What is the definition of a mistress?
Something between a mister and a mattress.

[aut0m4tic]

How do you get down from an elephant?




You dont, you get down from a duck

Happy Friday!

[ThumbBiker]

This wimpy semi driver pulls his 18 wheeler into a road side diner.  Goes in, sits on a stool at the counter,  and orders the luncheon special.  While eating his meal, a biker gang roars into the parking lot and comes into the diner.  They see him and take seats on either side of him.  The biker on the left looks over and says "I think you could use more salt" - and proceeds to take a salt shaker and unscrew the top and dump half the container on the truck driver's meal.  Truck driver sits there - looking straight ahead and says nothing.  Biker on the right looks over and says "I think you could use more pepper" - and proceeds to take a pepper shaker and unscrew the top and dump a bunch on the truck driver's meal. Truck driver sits there - looking straight ahead and says nothing.  After a moment, he gets up and walks out the door.  Waitress is picking up his dishes and the bikers are whooping it up - "boy, he sure wasn't much of a man"!  Waitress says 'Yeah, and he's not much of a truck driver either, he just backed over a bunch of motorcycles"!

[floydjer]

I might have an open casket funeral...Remains to be seen    Did I tell you my dad had the heart of a lion???  He was banned from the zoo after that.....................

[Milwaukee Midget]

Did I tell you my dad had the heart of a lion???  He was banned from the zoo after that.....................

Parents - they ARE tough to figure.

My dad had the eye of an eagle, and then the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service arrested him.

[floydjer]

Yeah well,....My sister had the morals of a................................Nevermind

[Speed Limit 1000]

MENS TRANSLATIONS OF TERMINOLOGY IN WOMENS ADS

The Women State and the Men Interpret:

1. Woman: Looking for an LTR.

Man: An LTR means that I can be married, attached and/or separated and still have an LTR. An LTR can mean a long term NSA relationship. I should write this woman right away. Perhaps I can change her mind about what this really means.

2. Woman: I'm looking for an intelligent man.

Man: I graduated from high school (barely). Intelligent can mean many things. Then they proceed to answer her ad absolutely slaughtered with misspelled words, bad grammar, run-on sentences and no punctuation. She didn't answer me? There's something wrong with HER. Repeat behavior: I'm a good guy and she's missing out. In fact, there's probably something wrong with this woman. She must be bitter, fat, ugly or an old shrew to put such criteria on her ad. **I think I will write her some hate mail and let her know this!

3. Woman: I'm looking for a classy, worldly man.

Man: I'm classy and worldly. I've been to SD, WY and all over Utah. I wear my best blue jeans out on a date (the ones with no holes in them). My only hobbies are racing, skiing, biking, skiing, football, baseball and snowboarding.

She wants someone to go to an opera, play, travel to a big city and see the sites, go on cruises or go to nice restaurants? That is for fags. If the woman isn't into anything but outdoors activities and hockey, she's probably fat, bitter and ugly and I wouldn't be interested in meeting her anyway.

4. The woman posts an ad in Strictly Platonic.

Man: This woman really needs a good lay and she's only posting in strictly platonic as a cover. I'll write her and suggest a good roll in the sack, she'll come around. Better yet, I'll be sneaky about it and offer her a massage. Once I have her clothes off, she won't be able to resist me!

5. Woman: Posts an ad with specific criteria she's looking for. It could be anything from location to appearance to habits, such as no smoking or drugs.

Man: This woman is a TOTAL loser for having criteria in her ad. How dare she? A man is the only one who has this right. I know I am a middle aged, bald man with so many wrinkles on my face, I look like a prune, but she should like me anyway. I'm a good guy and she's missing out. In fact, there's probably something wrong with this woman. She must be bitter, fat, ugly or an old shrew to put such criteria on her ad. **I think I will write her some hate mail and let her know this!

6. Woman: I prefer clean cut men.

Man: What does she mean by that? So what if I rarely shower or shave, have long hair (haircuts are expensive man), have piercings and tattoos? Repeat behavior above: I'm a good guy and she's missing out. In fact, there's probably something wrong with this woman. She must be bitter, fat, ugly or an old shrew to put such criteria on her ad. **I think I will write her some hate mail and let her know this!

7. Woman: I'm looking for someone honest, straightforward and interested in MY ad. No serial responders or power daters please.

Man: What's a serial responder or a power dater? So what if I answer just about every ad that's posted online? It's the woman's responsibility to either keep her ad posted, so I can go back and look at it and see which one she is out of the 100 ads I replied to in the past 2 days or she should be willing to regurgitate her ad back to me verbatim. Repeat behavior above: I'm a good guy and she's missing out. In fact, there's probably something wrong with this woman. She must be bitter, fat, ugly or an old shrew to put such criteria on her ad. **I think I will write her some hate mail and let her know this!

8. Woman: Tells man thanks for replying, but you aren't my type.

This woman rejected me (told me I wasn't her type) or was insulted by being called names and insulted when she rejected me, despite the fact that I really know nothing about her or even what she looks like. Therefore, I'm going to get even. I'm going to send her hate mail and call her fat, ugly or an old shrew and whatever else I can think of. If she blocks me out, I have 10 more email addresses that I will use to continue to send her hate mail. I'm a man, my dick is bronzed with gold and by golly, and I'm going to get in the last word.

I went through anger management classes. My shrink says it's all under control, really!

8. Woman: I'm looking for a professional man.

Man: Well, that's me! I'm a professional construction worker or burger flipper.

9. Woman: I'm interested in actually meeting someone. I don't want to spend weeks going back and forth on email, instant messenger or texting.

Man: She will change her mind. I really have no social skills, so I feel most comfortable behind the computer emailing or instant messaging. I'm such a stud (my dick is bronzed with gold) that she'll change this standard and maybe a month later, I will decide to meet (or maybe not).

10. Woman: I'm not interested in a man who smokes or uses drugs.

Man: What is wrong with this woman? I'm a GREAT guy and by her stating she won't date me because of this is just wrong. She's missing out on so many good men because she's some kind of bigot and she shouldn't be so judgmental about my nasty habits.

Repeat behavior above: I'm a good guy and she's missing out. In fact, there's probably something wrong with this woman. She must be bitter, fat, ugly or an old shrew to put such criteria on her ad. **I think I will write her some hate mail and let her know this.

11. Man and woman make arrangements to meet for a drink. Man: I'm going to try to figure out how to get this woman to drive as close to me as I can. That way, if I don't like her, I have only gone 1-2 miles out of my way. She should be glad that I agreed to meet her and should happily drive to my side of town (20-30 miles). What is this crap about her wanting to meet half ways somewhere? My dick is bronzed with gold after all.

[USFRAMONTE]

What is brown and sounds like a bell?

Dung!

[Milwaukee Midget]

Yeah well,....My sister had the morals of a................................Nevermind

That's right - it is mushroom season, and you don't want to give away those secret family mushroom hunting spots.

Oh, Wait . . . Jerry, did you say morals or MORELS? 

[theazoldcrow]

 
If a Moose bellows, and a Wolf howls,,, what does a wild Goose do ?   ( personnaly, it drives me up a wall !! )

[USFRAMONTE]

What is brown and rhymes with snoop?.....

Dr. Dre...!

[Dean Los Angeles]

Next time you are driving with your small child and wife, animal sounds are always fun.

What sound does a cow make: "Moo"

What sound does a horse make" "Neigh"

What sound does a rabbit make: "        " (Your kid will always get it right)

What sound does a pig make: "Oink"

What sound does a rooster make: "Cock-a-doodle-doo"

What sound does a prostitute make: "Any c**k will do" (Quiz: How did your wife react to the last one? I got hit . . . hard.)