Stupid joke FRIDAY

[Moxnix]

Truths For Mature Humans

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.   

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. MapQuest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any  changes to.

14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.   

15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.

17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

22. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

23. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!

24. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974.  That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.     (Ladies.....Quit Laughing.)

[robfrey]

Good ones. Very good!

[floydjer]

Historians  have found  that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers.  Unfortunately, All of the league records were lost in a fire , so we`ll never know for whom the Tell`s bowled...........................

[k.h.]

Cowboy Wisdom

The guys were all at a deer camp.

No one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so badly.

They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time
so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with
his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.

They said, "Man, what happened to you?"

He said, "Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."

The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same
thing--hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.

They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!" He said, 'Man, that
Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."

The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy; a man's
man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it.

They said, "Man, what happened?" He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I
went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good
night...

Bob sat up and watched me all night."

[floydjer]

Q: what do you call a fake noodle /  A:  An Impasta

[floydjer]

What do Alexander the Great and Kermit the Frog have in common ?.... Their middle names. (I`ll be here all week...Don`t forget to tip your waitress)

[floydjer]

This guy takes his black lab to the vet because it`s cross-eyed. Doc picks up the dog, looks at it`s eyes and says  he`ll  have to put him down. Guy says " Because he`s cross-eyed???" Doc says ' No,...Because he`s heavy"

[k.h.]

Two male flies are buzzing around, cruising for good looking female flies.
One spots a real cutie sitting on a pile of horse manure and dives down toward her. "Pardon me" he asks, turning on his best charm, "...but is this stool taken?"

[maguromic]

Two male flies are buzzing around, cruising for good looking female flies.
One spots a real cutie sitting on a pile of horse manure and dives down toward her. "Pardon me" he asks, turning on his best charm, "...but is this stool taken?"

This one stinks.    Tony

[4-barrel Mike]

There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, 'As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.'

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery.

The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.

The angel tells them, 'Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care to do it again?' He asks her 'Shall we?' She eagerly replies, 'Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down and you shit on its head!!!'

[ol38y]

  now that's funny, I don't care who you are... 

[floydjer]

I decide to name my pet newt "Tiny"....Because he`s my newt

[debgeo]

 

[floydjer]

Guy goes to the doctor and says ' You have to help me, I`m turning into a set of curtains"....Doc. says " You have to pull yourself together"........................

[Dr Goggles]

Guy goes to the doctor and says ' You have to help me, I`m turning into a set of curtains"....Doc. says " You have to pull yourself together"........................

am I the only one who thinks this thread is drawing to a close?