Stupid joke FRIDAY

[SaltRat]

A lady asks the produce man for some carrots.
He says that they are out of carrots, come back tomorrow.

About five minutes later, same thing.

Ten minutes later, same thing.

Produce man says: Can you spell "cat" as in catastophic?

C-A-T.

Can you spell "dog" as in dogma?

D-O-G

Can you spell fuck as in carrots?

There's no fuck in carrots!

Lady, that's what I've been trying to tell you!

It might have been funnier without the Fiat . . . .

[theazoldcrow]

   She was only a stablemans daughter,,,,but all the horse men knew her!

[floydjer]

Did you hear about the Witch who became a school teacher??..She taught....Spelling

[WOODY@DDLLC]

Wife's Diary:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner.

I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.

Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong;

He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.

He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.

On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving.

I can't explain his behavior I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.'

When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore.

He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.

Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed.

But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else.

He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.

My life is a disaster. 


Husband's Diary:

Roadster wouldn't start, can't figure it out. 

[floydjer]

What`s the chemical formula for water ?? -hijhlmno.............H to O

[rambler jack]

A group of men were sitting on the porch outside the general store.
Another man entered the store and asked the young lady  for a loaf of rasin bread.
The bread was on the top shelf and as she was climbing the ladder he looked up and saw she was not wearing panties.
She came down and he paid for the bread and left.
When he got outside he told the men what had happened.
Another man went in and asked for rasin bread she went back up the ladder and got the bread.
He paid for it and left.
This happend several more times.
An old man went into tha store to see for his self.
The young lady was still up on the ladder.
She looked down at him and said I suppose yours is rasin to.
He looked up and said no but it sure is a quiverin.

[WOODY@DDLLC]

An Alabama preacher said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. 

This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian Family."

No one moved. The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."

Again all was quiet.

Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blond with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. 

I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets." 

The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted and the congregation roared! 

[floydjer]

..."K"....... (thanks Stan)

[Milwaukee Midget]

Okay, I'm going to beat Jerry to the punch this week.  Or in our cases, the punch bowl . . .  

Pink Floyd was playing in Prague.  The stage hand walked over to the microphone and said, "Czech - Czech".

[floydjer]

Where would you conduct an experiment on a dog??.....In the...Labradory

[floydjer]

Bonus for Jon since I`m late today.......Where do Scandinavian cross country races end???  At the Finnish line

[floydjer]

What do they call old people in Portugal??....Portugeezers. (I`ll stop now)

[4-barrel Mike]

From my crazy uncle in Red Bluff:

One lazy Sunday morning the wife and I were quiet and thoughtful, sitting around the breakfast table when I said to her unexpectedly, "When I die, I want you to sell all my stuff, immediately."

"Now why would you want me to do something like that?" she asked.

"I figure a woman as fine as yourself would eventually remarry and I don't want
some other a**hole using my stuff."

She looked at me intently and said: "What makes you think I'd marry another a**hole?"

[Milwaukee Midget]

Okay, I'm going to beat Jerry to the punch this week.  Or in our cases, the punch bowl . . . 

Pink Floyd was playing in Prague.  The stage hand walked over to the microphone and said, "Czech - Czech".

Where would you conduct an experiment on a dog??.....In the...Labradory

Bonus for Jon since I`m late today.......Where do Scandinavian cross country races end???  At the Finnish line

What do they call old people in Portugal??....Portugeezers. (I`ll stop now)

Whooah - I land a sucker punch, and he comes back with a 1 2 3 combination!

Standing down Jerry, standing down . . .

[floydjer]

Nostalgia isn`t what it used to be.............