The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread

[WOODY@DDLLC]

What acute remark, Jer!

[floydjer]

You and I think on parallel lines Woody..................

[WOODY@DDLLC]

Let's put this in perspective - right up to the vanishing point! 

[floydjer]

geeeez Woody, Round and round we go..This is pointless...Did I tell you my pet parrot escaped??..Now polygon..................I`m off to the beach...No doubt be a tangent upon my return.............

[WOODY@DDLLC]

Or just a blistered, irregular projection of your former self? 

[floydjer]

Go stand in a corner Woody...A hot one...90 degrees

[floydjer]

My father was fond of saying...." Nothing that the human mind can conceive is impossible "...I wonder if dad ever tried striking a match on a marshmellow?.......................

[Stainless1]

A nun walks into the Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.

"What troubles you, Sister?" asked the Mother Superior. "I thought this was the day you spent with your family."

"It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ."

"I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior agreed. "So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?"

"Far from it," snorted the Sister. "In fact, I took the Lord's name in vain today!"

"Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. "You must tell me all about it!"

"Well, we were on the fifth tee, and this hole is a monster, Mother Superior, a 540 yard par 5, with a nasty dogleg right and a hidden green ... And I hit the drive of my life. The sweetest swing I've ever made. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted ... And it hits a bird in mid-flight!"

"Oh my!" commiserated the Mother Superior. "How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!"

"No, that wasn't it," admitted the Sister. "While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!"

"Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!" sympathized the Mother Superior."

"But I didn't, Mother!" sobbed the Sister. "And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!"

"So that's when you cursed," said the Mother Superior with a knowing smile."

"Nope, that wasn't it either," cried the Sister, anguished, "because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!"

The Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said ..

"You missed the f*uc*king putt, didn't you?"

[jimmy six]

Political but I couldn't help myself

I recently asked my friends' little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up. She said she wanted to be President of the United States.

Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there. So I asked her, "If you were President, what would be the first thing you would do?" She replied, "I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people!"

Her parents beamed.

"Wow...what a worthy goal," I told her. "But you don't have to wait until you're President to do that. You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and sweep my driveway, and I'll pay you $50. Then I'll take you over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food and a new house."

She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, "Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?"

I said, "Welcome to the Republican Party."

Her parents still aren't speaking to me.

[floydjer]

Jimmy...........I told that joke at a dinner party hosted by a leftie associate.....He hasn`t invited me back since....

[floydjer]

went out in the yard to plant some flowers and remembered I hadn`t botany..................

[grumm441]

https://www.ebay.com/itm/1983-Honda-Gold-Wing/173326038014

[jimmy six]

Now that I see the ad.... I know why it's in "jokes"....

[floydjer]

I am strangely attracted to that..................

[Stainless1]

You would look good on that if they'd drop a zero....