The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread

[will6er]

I have OCD and ADHD.

Everything has to be perfect...but not for long.

[floydjer]

No kidding?? I have C.R.A.F.T....Can`t Remember A F`n Thing.......................

[jacksoni]

And CRS- Can't remember s..t

[Plmkrze]

And as you get older you get "ATF".  Afraid To Fart!

[floydjer]

You can tell alot about a woman just by looking at her hands...For example/ If she`s holding a gun? She`s probably mad about something...........

[Dean Los Angeles]

A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of
his friends late one night. He led the way to his bedroom where
there was a big brass gong and a mallet. "What's with that big
brass gong?" one of the guests asked. "It's not a gong. It's a talking
clock," the drunk replied. "A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his
astonished friend. "Yup," replied the drunk. "How's it work?" the
friend asked, squinting at it. "Watch," the drunk replied. He picked
up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound, and stepped
back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment. Suddenly,
someone on the other side of the wall screamed,
"You idiot! It's one-fifteen in the morning!"

[tauruck]

  You guys are too much. You make my day.

[wobblywalrus]

I know, Mike.  Them jokes are funny.

[Freud]

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her  youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob?s arm and listens intently to his every word.
His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, ' Bob  how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?' Bob replies,Girlfriend? She's my wife!' They are knocked over, but continue to ask.  'So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?' 'I lied about my age,' Bob replies. 'What, did you tell her you were only 50?'
Bob smiles and says,            'No, I told her I was 90.'

[Dean Los Angeles]

Senior citizens have taken to texting with gusto.
They even have their own vocabulary:

BFF: Best Friend Fainted
BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth
CBM: Covered by Medicare
FWB: Friend with Beta-blockers
LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out
GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!

[tauruck]

Between Jerry and Dean we're all set.

Good one Freud.

[Dean Los Angeles]

Even Duct tape can't fix stupid . . .

but it can muffle the sound! 

[4-barrel Mike]

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?  We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't  know Jack Schitt!'  Well, thanks to genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt.   Awe Schitt was married to O. Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, and  owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc.  They had one son, Jack.

In  turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious  couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt,  Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against  her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a  high school  dropout.

After  being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.  Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She  was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a  rather nervous disposition who was nick-named Chicken Schitt.

Two  of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were  inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.

The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials.  The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world.  He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian  bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now  when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you  can  correct  them.

Sincerely,

Crock O. Schitt

[Seldom Seen Slim]

Mike:

I guess I managed to NOT read each and every post last week when you posted that one - about the Schitts.  I see that it was put up on the sixth of June.  How fitting - a joke about the Schitt family -- on the anniversary of my first wedding.  I'm amazed that you knew about it and the marriage well enough to join me in thinking about Schitt for that day. . .

[Seldom Seen Slim]

So - you pull into the gas station after having a few beers - or maybe a bunch of beers.  You stop at one of the pumps and look over beside you -- and wonder if maybe you should have taken the pledge after all: