The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread

[Seldom Seen Slim]

Well, if that's what it'll take -- I guess I'll remain in the outside.  Hunh?  Back to raisin pie and cream pie.  Quite a difference, I should certainly think.

Jon the Happy Wittol

[floydjer]

"Raisin pie"?  WTF?  I've heard of eating a "cream pie" before - but not raisin.  Care to elucidate?

You would have to know Spider or have some old Easy Riders in the reading room

Exactly....also a jail-house delicacy...you ferment the left over raisins in your toilet tank and get wound up tighter than the E -string on a Laplander`s mandolin.

[wobblywalrus]

This reminds me to stay out of trouble with the law.

[Stainless1]

got this from FeRd 

In the great days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was sent to a South African bush outpost to relieve the retiring colonel.
After welcoming his replacement and showing the usual courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches etc) which protocol decrees, the retiring colonel said, "You must meet my Adjutant, Captain Smithers, He's my right-hand man and is really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless."
...
Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a hunchback, one eyed, toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three feet tall.
"Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself."
"Well, sir, I graduated with honors from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines. I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight division of the Olympics. I have researched the history of....."
At that point, the colonel interrupted, "Yes, yes, never mind that Smithers, he can find all that in your file. Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to go Fiat himself."
 

[4-barrel Mike]

Moderately "naughty" but really funny: http://www.tastefullyoffensive.com/2014/07/84-year-old-man-surprises-americas-got.html?m=1

Mike

[tauruck]

My neighbor cleaned up his yard, trimmed the trees and put all the stuff at the end of the driveway for the trash guy to pick up... came home to a note on the pile saying he needed to tie up the stuff or put it in garbage bags or they wouldn't take it.  So he asked me for a little help packaging the stuff for the garbage truck.... I thought it was a nice job....

Only someone with a sick and twisted mind would do something like this.

I like it! 

I'm dumping one just like that over my wall next weekend. Maybe the neighbor will have a heart attack!!! I'm tired of all the tons of leaves his tree dumps in my yard every year.

[floydjer]

hey Bob...Here`s how I always leave the bedding after a hotel stay............

[bbarn]

hey Bob...Here`s how I always leave the bedding after a hotel stay............

I am stealing this idea for sure!

[floydjer]

You may as well.....I did...

[Stainless1]

I would suggest that is a good way for everyone to leave their casino room after SpeedWeek... if we ever get to have another one of those

[floydjer]

Patti and I went shopping last night and I lost her in the store....So, I walked up to a cute young girl and asked if she could help me find my wife...' You have no idea of where she is"? the girl said....I told her " No..but every time I talk to a little hotty with t*ts as nice as yours...She shows up.

[floydjer]

PepsiCo has announced they will soon release a soft drink that treats  " Male dysfunction"...It`s called  " Mount and Do....(can`t wait to pour myself a stiff one.....)

[Stainless1]

Afraid you would forget that one by Friday Jerry?
I know the feeling, I think I'll post that thought on Friday, then on Friday I think... what was that I was going to post.... 

[Seldom Seen Slim]

Gee, I only do that about a jillion times a day, Stainless.  Thanks for letting me know it ain't only my head that leaks a little.

[4-barrel Mike]

Exactly!  We need a "Stupid Joke Saturday thru Thursday" thread.

Mike